O Christmas Tree, Calling a Spade a Spade, & More

Dan Calls a Spade a Spade
Did you know that in order to recruit players in the NCAA you need to pass an annual recruiting test of thirty questions on NCAA rules? If you did know before today, GOOD FOR YOU! Bobby Petrino, the Kentucky football head coach, found out he passed his test and can go out and recruit. That was probably the most informative part of the interview. What could have made it better? Petrino being open and honest and not skirt the issues when Dan threw the tough questions his way. Dan isn’t disingenuous with his guests or with his audience. If he calls a spade a spade on the air before they come on, he does it while they’re on the air too. Unlike other radio shows that say one thing when the guest isn’t on the air and another when they are. It wasn’t Petrino’s affair that Dan was after, it was that he hired his mistress for an opening at the Arkansas athletic department violating rules and how when he left the Atlanta Falcons he told the players by leaving a note in their lockers. 

How far will Petrino’s remorse get him?

O Brother Where Art Thou?
Fritzy needed his brother’s help in more ways then one today. One of the problems was the mock headlines on the Patriots/Texans game that only earned a "That’s terrible" from Seton and groans from everyone else on the first submission. From there, not a single sound effect, not even crickets. To top that, he was followed by Sven who didn’t have to do anything more than breathe to be better than Fritzy. The writer brother was so missed and needed.

Even dogs can get in on Fritzy's first mock headline!

Sven in CA’s Grudenisms only Jon understands:

Wham break

Dagger squad combination

Short area quickness

Peek-a-boo sack 

And my favorite:

Big iron gear on your lawn

Football linguist from another planet

Second problem Fritzy encountered was the report of his time with the make up artist for the NYC promo shoot yesterday. Poor Lana. She was probably just short of saying "My eyes are up here!" and putting in some ear plugs. Fritzy is a chatterer. The kind that either out of nervousness or because they like hearing the sound of their voice, or they just don’t know any better, talk and talk and talk and talk. Even if you’ve tuned them out, and they know you have tuned them out, continue to talk. 

Did Lana really need to know Fritzy had a hernia surgery coming up?

Can Danette Deficiency Help Dan Win?

Dan was nominated for the National Sportscaster of the Year award with a bunch of play by play guys. They have it easy, watch a game, talk with analyst, talk with players, go home.  The voting committee needs to factor in difficulty before deciding the award. The difficulty of who you work with each day determines your worth. If the voting committee did that, Dan would be a multi-time winner. Dan was able to put the Danettes in what will probably be their one and only movie! That should garner a lifetime achievement award! As a reminder this is what Dan is working with:

Fritzy – mock headlines, cougar of the day, constant emailing pictures of women
Paulie – has no joy, obsessed with soccer, meanest Danette
Seton – can’t figure out who the winner of a TV is, fights with McLovin like a brother
McLovin – Where do you start? Where do you stop?

Here’s a list of other nominees in Dan’s category:

National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association 

National Sportscaster Nominees 

Al Michaels, NBC

Bob Costas, NBC/MLB Network

Dan Patrick, NBC/"The Dan Patrick Show"

Dan Shulman, ESPN

Brad Nessler, ABC/ESPN/NFL Network

Jim Nantz, CBS

Joe Buck, Fox

Mike Tirico, ESPN/ABC

Mike Emrick, NBC

Kevin Harlan, CBS/TNT

Could any other nominee than Dan win with this support staff?

O Christmas Tree!

Back in the Miford man cave and we find that the Christmas tree is up and the Menorah is lit. 2012 ornaments are starting to come in. Dan and the Danettes did a viewing of the ornaments received so far and Dan has a message for one special audience member: He can’t be bribed, because of it’s questionable content he can’t take it home, and it can’t go up on the tree but he can be entertained. For someone at the Mothership that still knows a good thing when they see/hear it, he did receive your ESPN ornament for the tree. He has no problem with that. Dan loves his ESPN staff audience. Would ESPN have a problem with an ornament from DP’s show up on the ESPN Christmas tree in their lobby? Seton’s current mission is occupy Christmas tree but he needs to do it in a covert manner, so no help from the audience please. He knows you’re enthusiastic helpers, but for this one he needs to go it alone.

His sleepy look is only cover for his trickery

O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!

You have no balls but the lights are neat.

O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!

You need a hot chick to make you sweet.

Fritzy creeps the girls away, 

Danny Jaw Face hates those days.

O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!

It may be only men that touch thee.

Will Chrissy make a return appearance this year?

You can send your 2012 ornament to:

The Dan Patrick Show

P.O. Box 591 

Milford, CT 06460

Ornaments will be eligible win a gift!

More important than the damn Emmy, I like it stuffed in the can, Bonus videos

More Important Than the Damn Emmy 
Dan must have caught the green eyed monster bug and gotten it from McLovin on Monday. You could hear it in Dan’s voice before, during and after the interview and into the next segment after break regarding Jack Taylor, shooting guard, for Grinnell College. For that kid to do something that Dan was never given the opportunity to do – a green light, to shoot as often as he got the ball, to get national recognition, to receive no assists, to score 110 more points than he had scored before in any college game, it was all too much for Dan to handle. His true frustration was with the coaches – let the other Grinnell kids play and for Faith Baptist – execute some defense! Danny Jaw Face was out and all over the place. Seton even told Dan he was better than that. For a forever frustrated baller, the numbers and recognition this kid received were more important than "the damn Emmy" Dan had on his desk. The audio replay of the game call from the college student announcer was just. plain. funny. I wonder who that student was aspiring to be. Being a low funded program, getting a souvenir for the man cave is going to be slim. Looks like Dan is going to have to settle for autographed, game worn socks. Woof!

This person in white brought out the
green monster in Dan 

I Like It Stuffed in the can? 
How do you like your cranberry sauce? Gelled or traditional? Dan likes his in the can – ba da boom. An audience member offered a more Fritzy-esk poll question: Stuffing – wife, mother, mother-on-law? Two of those three are just sick.

Yummy or Yucky?

Dan Patrick Show bonus videos:
Thanksgiving Coffee Break with McLovin and Seton Pays Up on His Bet. Both are guaranteed to at least make you smile.

www.danpatrick.com

It’s a Beer and Wings Kind of DayGet the wings on the plate, sauce on the side and a cold one ready in a frosty mug. Here come Dan and the boys!

Paulie - annoyed with the disruption
Dan - focused on what's on TV
Fritzy - food focused
Seton - the photographer (Thank You!)

Pizza, Papa and Pot plus little Marconis

Are Peyton Manning and Papa John the driving force in getting the marijuana law passed in California and other states? What is really behind the two million free pizzas give away? Peyton Manning - better businessman becoming a franchise owner or a better quarterback? Are Peyton’s best pizza customers NFL lineman? Just thoughts to ponder.

PPJ pizza - loved by NFL linemen and those with the munchies

Stan VanGundy spoke openly about leaving Orlando, the original plan to join ESPN in studio and having his brother, Dan, at the games until ESPN decided to "go in another direction". Was David Stern involved in Stan’s ESPN demise? Welcome to NBCSN, Stan! Home of the non-mother-shippers.

Job blocker

Do you think?
Dear Chris Matthews: A natural disaster is never a good thing, ever. There’s no good place, no good time, ever. Even prior to an election. Even children know that.
 

Chris, listen to the wisdom of others for a change please

Poll question problems:
We began with: Would you rather be the POTUS or NFL Commissioner? Dan quickly tired of that and the new question became: Did your election network coverage depend on the appearance of the commentators? For Paulie and Fritzy it was a deciding factor. Then the question changed again to: If you had an extremely hot spouse and they were strongly opposing your political views, would that make a difference? Paulie and McLovin knew right away in the dating process of their wives to be political preferences and views. Fritzy said it wouldn’t matter if their views were different and Seton would never had married his wife or anyone else, no matter how hot they were if their political views were different than his. At least none of these will be stolen by other shows. Can’t we all just get along?

Time to put down our signs and come together again

How tough is it being an NFL head coach? According to Jimmy Johnson if you let it consume you, as it did him, it can cost you a marriage, family and friendships. He felt fortunate that he was able to repair the family and friendship ties.

If he asked, would you be his friend?

Big surprise day!
The Danettes took their best shots at guessing the surprise before the show. Three of the Danettes were initially declared close and then it was revealed that one did get it right. Paulie inquired if it was a physical or event surprise. Of course Dan’s response was that it was a physical event surprise. Seton was feeling good with his guess he submitted and in the end he went two for two. Big MVD points this month to date. So what was the surprise? Baby macaroni! No, that’s not right. Baby Marconis! Congratulations Danettes on your awards! Best supporting cast to a Marconi winner. May your fingers not cramp as you’re telling people you are a Marconi winner.

Whoop Whoop! A Marconi for everyone!
Thanks Dad/Dan!

 

Welcome NBCSN Audience!

It’s day one at the new school, NBCSN, and Dan and the Danettes are ready to impress the only way they know how, by being themselves. They are now under the same NBC cozy blanket as Matt Lauer, Jay Leno, Bob Costas, Tina Fey and too many others to mention. Across the country agent phones are ringing with the stars demanding a re-negotiation of their contracts.

Directv channel 220 or check your local cable network

 
Invitation was extended to the new audience to look about the mancave and join the Lockeroom on the website. They’re a snarky group of listeners/viewers that play for keeps and no one is off limits for criticism and comments.

Join the Dan Nation and Lockeroom today!

Talk about frayed nerves, Dan visited Central Park on Sunday only to get railed on by a native New Yorker who thought he was a runner from the cancelled marathon. Dan was dressed in sweats with his Starbucks and paper and that was all it took. Dan even let the guy know he agreed with his viewpoint but that just wasn’t enough. I’m sure not all New Yorkers are like this, right?

DP loves his Starbucks

Celebrity sighting over the weekend while Paulie and McLovin were at the Oregon/USC game on Saturday. Howie Long, HOF Raiders DE/NFL on Fox and Chris Long, current DE Rams, were all decked out in Duck gear. Kyle Long is a senior offensive lineman for the ducks. QUACK!

Scary duck Kyle Long

Some just don’t learn – you don’t gamble sports with a former sports gambler. Today McLovin chose to make a bet with Dan. The bet: If Lebron James is named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the year Dan wins. McLovin gets the world to win. If Dan loses, McLovin gets to have dinner on a Saturday night with the crew from FNIA. If McLovin loses, what he has to give up is still to be finalized, as in: written in blood, witnessed by a priest and rabbi, triple notarized, and all actions recorded on video with back up, sealed in a safe deposit box. All this to keep McLovin honest, stick to his word and pay up if he loses. Just kidding, McL.

McLovin rolls the dice against The Boss
Who will be the winner?

The struggle isn't over yet.  Please keep donating and holding the victims of Sandy in your thoughts and prayers. 

American Red Cross website:
www.redcross.org/donate/index.jsp?donateStep=2&itemId=prod10002 

Text: REDCROSS and donate $10 to 90999

Phone:  1-800-RED-CROSS (1-800-733-2767)

 

Ridin' out a side effect of Sandy

Mike Florio from Profootballtalk.com and NBC sports all things professional football, coming from the snow covered mountain regions of West Virginia, informed us that there would be no DP today. Although the efforts were valiant, Paulie and crew were not able to resuscitate the old boy. Although we love Mike, it just wasn’t the same. What effect did that have on America? Here a just a few examples:

• Housewives discovered how dirty their homes were, but decided to leave them another day in case there was no Dan two days in a row.
• Deliveries were delayed due to lack of focus on finding addresses and following directions.
• Parents rediscovered all the things about their children that they hope they’ll grow out of, soon.
• Production slowed in the work place as Dan helped keep workers motivated and they discovered how bad their jobs really were.
• Students were not able to study, as school was not as exciting as it once was and homework was truly tedious.
• Restaurants over cooked food and undelivered in service.
• Gas stations refused to sell gas for less than $4.00 a gallon.
• Grocery stores only sold organic foods.
• Burger joints became vegan bistros.
• Bars only had non-alcoholic drinks.
• Scores girls put their clothes on.
• Most importantly, no other sports show could stand up to what Dan provides his audience five days a week.

Milford Mancave safe and sound

Come back Milford fiber optics!
Come back Dan and Danettes!
America needs you!

Continued thoughts and prayers to those dealing with Sandy's aftermath -

If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all

Hello y’all – So I’m sitting in front of the TV, diet soda on one side, cat in my lap, dogs at my side and my feet wanting to eat what’s on my plate but I’m ready to go.

From today’s edition: The show comes to you from the Milford, CT man cave on Tuesday through Friday. The DIY network Man Caves show with Tony Siragusa and Jason Cameron originally created the man cave. The décor has grown by leaps and bounds but the bones of the renovation are still there. The traditional theme music is played with different city scenes featuring Dan and his 2012 Dodge Ram Truck on the streets around Milford in either day or night. The exploration of what’s new or what’s been moved or changed in the man cave since the last show is always a hunt. Many times Dan reveals an addition during the show or on a look in, but not always. Today Dan showed the Sony Watchman that a viewer sent in. He reminded viewers that he appreciates receiving things that mean something to someone but there’s no guarantee he would ever be able to get it back to you if you wanted it back. Also, please don’t send anymore food. Is someone gaining pre-holiday weight? Take your time and look around the man cave. Is there something that caught your eye? Does a pumpkin need to be orange to really be a pumpkin? If it’s white, is it a gourd?

The DIY Man Caves when finished with the man cave

The pre-show run down:
These guys love movies. Not just your action flicks but pop culture movies as well. During the topic the too snappy dialog and too many off the cuff speeches used in movies like Breakfast Club, Easy A and Newsroom were determined unrealistic. Movies need to have real life dialog like they have on this show where after something smart is said you get a dumb, slow, bad line retort and an atmosphere of tension, competitiveness and back stabbing.

The video open:
Reminded us of the back sliding and comeback of the back row yesterday – Back Row Backslide: Fritzy blowing a tease, McLovin throwing the football out of control then running a lap where you see him doing the lap carrying the football in the parking lot across the street from the studio, where Dan parks his truck, and waiting for traffic to clear to come back across. He has some of the goofiest running in place I’ve seen. This is just one of the shows bizarre ways of justice, running laps. As Dan has said, they can hurt each other, just don’t hurt my flat screen. But when does someone retaliate and it’s no longer funny? The Back Row Comeback: McLovin had a great line – If Mike Trout eats the trout fish, is that cannibalism? This resulted in a walk off, fist pump and umbrella swing for the bleachers in the green room. Mike and his fish are seen below.

Mike Trout and his fish



The audio open:This is a mix with various sound effects and bits and pieces from previous interviews worked into a hook that keeps you listening while the members of the broadcast are introduced. It was much of the same as the video open with the addition of Donnie in VA nominating Paulie for MVD (most valuable Danette) because he’s always thinking about what’s best for the show and Seton’s retaliated with a fake hang up on the caller.

The poll of the day:A Seton special: Who has a better (personal) thing going? Justin Verlander or Barry Zito? Dan felt it was a lame question and went for Zito – quantity over quality although the audience went the opposite direction. Pretty sure the Mothership won’t steal that question for their own broadcasts. The poll question was then replaced with: What is your favorite white guy cliche?, Another question that ESPN will probably pass on as well since they are guilty of using those clichés.

Justin Verlander and Kate Upton

Play of the Day:
Seton played yet another Yankees highlight with John Sterling to take a look back since there wasn’t really anything on last night. Come on Seton, weak sauce. Take it like a man. Your team is out, Tigers are in. Hope you have your preparations complete for paying off your bet next week.

John Sterling, New York Yankees announcer

I Team Report: Six blocks away from the studio a major motion picture is being filmed: After The Fall. Paulie snuck over to the set to sneak a peek and was kicked out.

"The Box" (The show confessional done at the top of the second and third hour):
As Paulie was going into the box the question of sending Fritzy over to the movie set to check out the actresses was presented. Wouldn’t that be a disaster in so many ways.

Look Ins:
Dan will be on the Jimmy Fallon show on Thursday. Why? This is what his son asked and no one else knows why either. Surprised by the booking, is this because of the big announcement coming up? Who will he be guesting with? What will he be doing? Fallon is known for having his guests do crazy things. Dan isn’t good at beer pong and Jimmy is too good with his musical imitations to do anything musical either. On the side: Jimmy was in London for the Olympics and Dan thought after meeting him he was younger and taller than he seems on TV. The other guest will be Julianne Margulies, a name Dan sometimes has problems pronouncing. Could the booking on Fallon be a set up? Yesterday this was a back row buzz kill by Fritzy. Fritzy took a couple of big hits yesterday with a mock show title of Good Strife versus Good Wife, and also his suggestion that Dan and Julianne reenact a scene from ER with Julianne giving Dan mouth to mouth – creepy. Dan brought up his upcoming appearance in the broadcast, as he does much of the look in conversations.

Jimmy Fallon thinking of things for Dan to do Thursday

Andrew "McLovin" Perloff:
McLovin really showed his stuff today with his evaluation of first year mobile quarterbacks in their second year performance earning the praise from Dan he always craves.

Dan Patrick:
Tim McCarver was on the show and Dan was able to give his compliment from yesterday regarding McCarver’s call of the third inning in game seven of the NLCS. After the compliment Dan was fishing for one of his own: "Now you say something nice about me." Somehow Dan thought he was in a mutual admiration society of broadcasters – "Come on, give me a carrot!"

Joe Buck and Tim McCarver

Todd "Fritzy" Fritz:
Fritzy was also in the box today. Dan’s a little disappointed. It’s the least involved Fritzy’s been in the show in maybe a year. The subject matter had been pretty serious and Fritzy wanted to be careful in what he said. Dan admonishes him because he would mean he would need to do some work to find his way into the conversation. It’s not as easy to do that with serious subject matter as it is to make a mock headline or email pictures of women to Dan. Fritzy took offense to Dan taking a shot at him, and admitted it’s been hard to find the right groove to weigh in on the conversation because there’s no comedic inlet. Fritzy misses the levity from yesterday so its back to the drawing board to be able to contribute to the broadcast. Fritzy only continued to dig his hole deeper on this subject during The Box Score. Oh, Fritzy. You’re smarter than that.

Mock Headlines:
Wayne in WA called one in, ok in its effort. Sven from CA called in three – two solid hits and one ok effort.

Additional show nugget:
Red Hook update: After the show the gang must continue to sample more beer today. Such an arduous task. "Gotta drink beer today guys!"

It’s not just your regular sport show: True or False –
In high school, the football coach was going to take the All American quarterback on the team and make him a receiver so Dan could play quarterback, but Dan decided not to play because he didn’t like the act of being tackled.

The Box Score Tally (BST):
I wonder if Casey Geraghty, who’s like the nosey neighborhood kid, is leaving the show after being it’s host for the first year. Each day this week there has been a slight made that may indicate that this may be happening. No official announcement has been made, I think. If so, Casey, I wish you all the best in your new direction, but what will become of Dr. Von Beardy? I can only hope my deductions are wrong.

Further BST:
Regular caller, Chris in Syracuse asked about slow sports days and if the wives have something for Danettes to do when this happens. Paulie’s wife, Dana, has learned how to read the college football rankings and will question when Paulie is watching a lesser game. Seton’s wife, Erin, is giving him a little post season baseball flack for still watching baseball since his Yankees and her Red Sox are out of contention. McLovin’s wife, Sara, just wants him to turn off Gossip Girl so she can watch some college football. Sad.

Box Score I Team Report:
Was it McLovin getting the granola out of the back of his teeth? Something Seton did? No! It was Fritzy eating lunch on McLovin’s side of the desk! Not a lot of room over there with the notebook, phone, keyboard, Blackberry and all. "I’m neat, I clean up after myself" Fritzy said in defense. Would it be acceptable to you if your coworker ate their food at your desk while you were away?

So, what did you learn today?